Automatic

I know it seems inconceivable to be touring colleges with a child I birthed literally last week, but here I am with a seventeen-year-old, trying to help her roadmap the next five years of her life.

Recently we were touring a midwest Big 10 school on her list and the University was checking off many boxes; clean, safe, medium-sized, vibrant school spirit on game days. And as we shuffled along behind a recent-grad-turned-tour-guide, a common theme arose among the highlights. The guide pointed at a large brick hall on the right. One of the dining halls, she explained, but this one is popular. You just order what you want online and grab and go. My gut instinct was, great… who doesn’t love the order ahead burrito bowl on Chipotle night?

But as the tour went on, several more “no contact, easy grab” options surfaced. The “convenience” store touted to be like Amazon; your card is scanned on the way in, and whatever you leave with is charged to you. No cashier.
Or the automated counter at the library, swiping your student ID and producing the books pre-reserved in a little cubby locker next to the desk.

I began to note the tour guide’s proud excitement at these automatic perks, and the nods and murmurs of agreement from not just the high schoolers, but their parents as well. I couldn’t help but wonder; isn’t part of a higher education experience preparing young adults for how to navigate the world- how to talk to another human included?

In chatting with groups lately I keep marveling that the most popular (aka needed) social group topic at my school is “How to Work Through Things That are Hard.” For a while I’ve accepted this as, this is just how today’s kids are. But as I read more and really look at the root of this outcome, I’m realizing there’s a reason or two why today’s youth lack the skill of perseverance; especially given a topic that isn’t of their chosing. Based on what I can gather, this is a combination of;

* Lack of free play time (and abundance of adult-led activities)
* Parents who are led to believe we must rescue our children from distress lest we damage them (myself included)

and the big one…

* Overuse of screen-based activity (including online games, social media, and videos.)

I just finished the book, The Coddling of the American Mind by Jonathan Haidt; the precursor and same author of my current obsession, The Anxious Generation. Both books carry similar themes but the continued signs indicating that over-reliance on screens is causing a gigantic gouge in the resilience, intelligence, and basic functions of today’s youth is beyond alarming.

Instead of playing outside, they are playing online.
Instead of riding up to the dollar store, they are ordering on Amazon.
Rather than working through boredom, they are dialing up instant dopamine hits with games and videos.

And I’m as guilty as anyone. Escaping to my phone after a long day. Letting my son play Minecraft because I don’t have the energy to suggest alternatives. But I won’t deny that the facts that are coming out of research, not to mention what I’m seeing first-hand as a teacher, are becoming louder and harder to ignore in the name of exhaustion.

Last night I read a great article (Why Our Kids Can’t Handle Normal Stress). In it, the author talks about how kids need to sit in their distress, their anxiety. Screens are a real easy way to escape from discomfort; and people of all ages are guilty of avoiding rather than coping with the negative. A few hours ago my fourth grade son was picked up by a friend’s family for a playdate. Minutes before they arrived, he asked if I would text them and see if he could bring his electric scooter. This article came to mind. I knew he felt hesitant and worried to ask and if I rescued him from having to do it himself, I was denying him experience. Face-to-face people skills as well as dealing with social anxiety. Because I didn’t ask for him, he chose not to this time, and left, scowling back at me as he made his way to the car. I was surprised that I felt no guilt at having caused my son to be upset, but rather centimeters closer to him knowing he could handle asking a question like that next time.

This entire theme above brings to mind the song “Automatic” by Miranda Lambert. Part of the lyrics go:

Hey, whatever happened to waitin’ your turn
Doin’ it all by hand
‘Cause when everything is handed to you
It’s only worth as much as the time you put in
It all just seemed so good the way we had it
Back before everything became automatic

And if what I’m saying next makes me sound old, so be it; We need to get back to kids figuring things out themselves. Playing outside, riding bikes, arguing over rules of a game, figuring it all out. I’m not suggesting anti-tech, but letting tech be a subject we study and not a function of life.