It was 2009 and I was in the end room of the maternity wing at Fairview Southdale Hospital. I had just had my dear sweet Charly girl, and was required to stay an extra day due to an inconsequential fever. While staying there, I became slightly obsessed with cinnamon applesauce and graham crackers from the snack room, helping myself several times a day.
The other day I grabbed a pouch of applesauce from our own snack cupboard- needing something in my stomach as I shuffled kids around town. And even though it’s been thirteen years since that maternity stint, the taste of cinnamon applesauce will always bring me back to that moment. Ecstatic and terrified to bring this tiny infant home; our lives forever changed from that moment on. Surreal, and thankful and preemptively exhausted all wrapped up in a moment.
I think part of my fondness for this moment is not about the caliber of the snacks, but about the self-care of that small act of indulgence. Knowing I was about to embark on the joyride of having a newborn that my friends had warned me about; the cliche sleepless nights, messes and spit up, and draining dependency. So taking my snack break; doing something for myself, felt like pre-regulating for the journey.
The concept of regulation has crept its way into everything I read and learn about working with today’s children. And while being ‘regulated’ entails many things, for most people it simply means being content. Basic needs met, emotions stable, ready to receive the world. And everyone achieves this state in a different way. For some it’s exercise or fresh air, meditation, or social check-ins from treasured friends and family.
As adults we have learned through enough trial and error what we need to make our way towards content. But I am more and more convinced of the desperate need to teach this to our kids. So many times, kids are unaware that they are dysregulated…. they just get angry, or frustrated or withdrawn. Here’s an example.
My little guy gets in the car every day at pickup from Kindergarten in some state of dysregulation. Today it looked like this; Before he steps in the car, he whips off his wet mittens and throws them in. Usually he yells loudly about the wrong snack choice or his sister bothering him. If it’s really bad, he may refuse to get in the car or cry loudly for “no reason”. At the beginning of the school year this drove me insane, my internal disciplinarian thought, ‘He is not showing any respect. He needs to be kind when he comes in the car, this is gonna be a consequence.’ And while I’m still a big fan of being firm and not tolerating that behavior, I also realize what’s really happening.
According to his Kindergarten teacher, he’s very well behaved throughout the day. How this miracle happened, I’m still not sure. But for an active boy to listen, work, walk respectfully, this tells me he is holding it all in the best he can until he hits the car. Next, the child does not eat good lunches. Whether it’s because he’s enjoying the social aspects of lunch or he’s just that picky, by the time 4:00 rolls around he’s HUNGRY. And although we send a water bottle, I know he is not drinking enough water to get him through the day. So… hungry, thirsty, tired (mentally, emotionally, and often physically) and rather than admit he’s all of those things, it comes out sideways and upside down and angry.
I’ve really had to work hard to remind myself- this is not personal. In fact, often, he doesn’t even remember he acted this way. Instead, I hand him a snack and remind him about his water bottle. I often play soft music and take long deep breaths- even if he’s complaining loudly. It’s taken us most of the year, but we’re finally at the point where he can voice what he needs when he gets home (a quiet activity, fresh air and movement, playdough etc…)
After ignoring a verbal barrage in the car and refusing snack he walked in the door and picked out a kinetic sand set. He snapped at me as he removed all the rocks from the bin- apparently in the wrong place. But as he played you could see the calm seep in. Slowly he pushed sand from one side to the other, squishing it with his hands and the toy bulldozer as I silently nudged an applesauce pouch and water bottle toward him. After a few minutes of quiet play, he stopped and looked at me and said in a kind voice, “Mama, want to snuggle with me on the couch now?” Perhaps it was the snack or water. Maybe it was the quiet kitchen or soft lighting. And it probably helped that he got to squeeze and push sand around- sensory play being heavily praised right now in research for it’s regulating benefits. Either way, the anger had cleared and he was ready to interact. “I love you, Mama…” he said as he walked to the couch. “Love you too, buddy.” I said, sipping my cinnamon applesauce pouch.
Side note- more to come on how to help our kids and students regulate… I’m still learning.
** If you want to know more about regulation- for kids and yourself- you have to read this book: SELF-REG How to Help Your Child (and You) Break the Stress Cycle and Successfully Engage with Life. Lot’s of brain research, if you are interested in that, but probably the best book I’ve read for reframing so many typical “bad” behaviors.
Teaching the Good Stuff 