We’ve all heard the term ‘helicopter parents’ (those who hover and swoop and over-protect their kids) and even the newer ‘snowplow parents’ (next level helicopters that plow the easy route for their kids to travel) but today I realized there’s another layer to this when dealing with intense kids.
We love our sweet little guy so much. He is athletic, smart, the best snuggler in the house and… intense. At everything. When he’s charming and funny- it’s intense. When he’s frustrated and angry…yep, intense. Couple that intensity with moments when he is dysregulated (hungry, tired etc…) and it adds up to a loud, anger-amplified tantrum reaction to even the smallest problem.
I’m not proud of the moment I’m about to share, but it made me realize the slippery slope towards helicopter parenting when subjected to years of intense over-reactions.
The whole school had gone to Skateville (local roller skating rink) and my little kindergartener had had a wonderful time. I met his class at the rink, and was impressed at how independent he was; buckling his own rollerblades, zooming around the rink, getting change for the video games. So I wasn’t prepared for the child I received at pick up two hours later. He spent the ride home launching into a regretful tirade on how he wished he would have bought a giant inflatable hand like some other kids on the bus ride home. In my defense, the inflatable hand wasn’t even on the radar during the entire two hour field trip.
But here’s where my parenting brain goes off the rails… Minute 14 of this loud, angry, tearful rant about not having a blow up hand I had two thoughts pop in my head:
#1- Maybe we could gather the family and make a special trip to Skateville tomorrow night.
#2- Perhaps Amazon has a similar hammer we could order at home.
I know, I know. It was knee-jerk reaction. A desperate gut response to years of this sort of intense, angry tantrumming. And I admit, my reaction was a lazy equivalent to, dear Lord, just make it stop.
Thank goodness I had the next moment to pause before I said anything. Perhaps all of those parenting and teaching books I’ve been reading have finally sank in and my next thought was, “then what does he learn?” Swooping in and rescuing him doesn’t teach him the things we want him to learn as a child:
* How to wait for things we want
* How little problems seem worse when you are tired and hungry
* There will always be something better that someone else has
It was in that moment I realized how hard it is to make the right choices as a parent when your child is louder and more intense. I’m also convinced that those “experts” that call out helicopter parents so easily probably have perfect, mellow kids. I’m sure it’s a lot easier to show tough love when you get a mild response of a pouted lip or an ‘oh well’.
For the record, I don’t think I would have gone through with recuse plan #1 or #2… but it was certainly a wake-up call that it even entered my thoughts.
To all those parents out there trying to stay calm in the intensity… I see you. Fight that helicopter response even when it means a louder, longer ride home. Remember the essential life skills you are teaching them. I think the ultimate question here is… does anyone ever REALLY need a giant blow-up hand??
I‘m not sure I would have picked up this book based on the cover and title alone… but it was a FANTASTIC read for brain-based teaching approaches! I heard Zaretta Hammond speak in a TED talk and immediately ordered this book. I can tell you now, this will be a re-read… so many strategies for the best way to have kids learn in the classroom.
Teaching the Good Stuff 