Monxiety

It usually starts in my head. Although I’ve just woken up, my head feels dizzy, swimming in overwhelmed thoughts. It moves down into my chest- a heaviness that stays for hours. Before I’ve eaten breakfast, it stops at my stomach, sending sharp streaks of adrenaline and edges of nausea.

I would have thought the Monday-anxiety would fade off this year as I am not headed to work daily. But it goes to show those panicked thoughts were not the effects of a full-time job, but just the heaviness of the week ahead bubbling up.

It is on Monday mornings when I cycle through the worst-case-scenarios and the worries that weren’t even close to on my radar on happy Saturday nights. Looking through the Monday morning lens makes small issues gigantic, and concerns for my kids severe.

But at some point in the morning a sliver of hope breaks through. Through no amount of positive self-talk or prayer or even coffee, a little piece of that hope lessens the pressure in my chest and reminds me that all is ok….and in fact, there’s probably something to look forward to (whatever it may be that week).

So I guess I’m not surprised when I see how hard Mondays are for my little guy. Although he dearly loves Kindergarten this year, getting out the door without complaint and refusal is non-existent on any day, let alone Mondays.

But this past Monday I realized something new. Curled up on the couch in his batman jammies, he asks if there’s school today. Knowing the answer before I speak, he launches into a torrent of tears and anger. As I watched his sweet toes curl in frustration I registered that this isn’t about him liking or not liking school, or even about not wanting to go. I think this is his version of ‘Monxiety’ (Monday-anxiety). What looks like anger, is perhaps in fact…worry.

So I try out some phrases from a graphic I saved on a Facebook trauma informed parent page. “I am here with you”, “Let’s breathe together”, “I know this is hard.” As I repeated these phrases, he continued to complain… wishing it was Sunday still and he could stay home. And then I tried this one. “How big is your worry right now?” At this he stopped, wide-eyed and said, “About the size of the SUN.” And I knew. I knew that feeling. When you are overwhelmed at the whole week ahead. And my thinking shifted. How easily I could have gotten short and frustrated that morning. Annoyed that we are going to be late, yet again, and hustled him along.

But I took a deep breath and said, “I get it.” We didn’t solve it, and the Monxiety will be back again (or maybe some Tuesxiety too…), but hopefully he’ll grow up knowing he has a mom who understands, even when mornings are hard ones.

*** The Obstacle is the Way is another book my husband got, but I grabbed first. Doused heavily in war references and most certainly something a young Brian Flanagan would have had behind the bar in Cocktail, the main message is revolutionary. It’s a short read that reframed my thinking on setbacks and negative events. It reminded me very much of The Happiness Advantage, another great read that I’m linking as well!